1. Call your parents every day.
Give them the play by play of everything you’ve been doing. Let them know what you ate for lunch that day, what your room mate is watching on TV, and your plans to see the comedian your school hired for a one night show. Rely on them for all of your advice, and follow it ardently instead of learning for yourself. Oh, and make sure you let them know how much you miss eating a home cooked meal every night and let them bribe you to come home on the weekends.
2. Stay locked up in your dorm room.
While your floor mates are getting together for movie nights or having floor meetings, make sure you lock your door and turn your light off so they think you aren’t there. Get lunch to go, and eat it alone in your room (I actually did this!). Keep the communication you have with your room mate limited to small talk and watch Netflix alone on your laptop every night with a pint of cookie dough ice cream.
3. Avoid all campus clubs or organizations.
Don’t attend any of the fairs where you can learn about all of the organizations your school offers. Avoid intramural sports where you get to be a part of a team while getting exercise at the same time. Don’t meet friends who have shared interests as you while furthering your knowledge about a topic or hobby that you love-you can meet your socialization needs through Twitter. Don’t spruce up your resumé by becoming an officer of a club or try to get scholarships from the honor society you could join. And definitely don’t join a sorority or fraternity!
4. Go hard every night.
Get extremely drunk every chance that you get. You finally have no rules and no parents telling you what to do, so you should completely rebel. There is no such thing as too much partying, and you can find a party just about every night. Make yourself known on campus for being absolutely crazy and pushing all limits. This is a great way to make lasting friendships.
5. Don’t study.
It’s not like college classes are any harder than the ones you took in high school. Like you slid by in high school just by staying awake in class, do the same thing in college. No need to take notes or buy the text books. Just listen to the professor talking and trust that everything will stick. Homework should be the last thing on your mind and the last thing you do. Just wait until an hour before you go to bed, and use that time to get all of your homework done for all of your classes. It’s not like the underlying reason you’re at a university is to learn, or anything.